peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
