Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
