so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
