I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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