if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
