True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
