She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
