he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
