True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
