I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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