she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
