mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize