I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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