Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
