I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
