So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
