i think i have two assholes
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
