he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
