He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize