I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
