He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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