did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
