dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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