i permit you to call me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The uberlube is also flammable
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
