Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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