You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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