Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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