But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
