Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
