just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
