Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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