im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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