When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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