remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
