You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
