i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
