I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
