Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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