Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
