I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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