I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize