I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
