If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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