you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
