Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
