I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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