What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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