I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize