Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
