The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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