checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
