he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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