I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
