Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We were destined to go to rehab together
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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